FOREIGN ENCOUNTERS: INTRODUCTION TO THE BIDET
Please forgive me. I’m in a bit more of a rush than usual this week, about to fly to South Carolina for a memorial service, so I’m clipping something out of my journal when, in 2023, my husband, son, and daughter-in-law joined me for a return to my birthplace, Napoli. The focus on presidents seems fitting this weekend.
You can’t travel to the Mediterranean and not face the bidet. Is it a toilet, a sink, or something else entirely?
A few years back at a truck stop in, of all places, Western Nebraska, I was surprised to find that the women’s bathroom – but not the men’s, per my husband’s testament – was outfitted with a fancy toilet that, in addition to having a heated seat, could play music, bathe my privates with temperature-controlled water and massage my glutes. For all I knew, it could probably even fill out a college application. I didn’t need or want any of these functions, but at least the seat came with clear instructions. Not so with the bidet.
On earlier European travels I’d figured out that bidets are useful for soaking and washing small bits of laundry – a handy function for itinerant folks - but this is certainly not their primary purpose. To get an answer to this nagging question I turned to the interwebs and was immediately served up a smorgasbord of videos, all humorous. Potty humor for grown-ups.
The first video featured a 50-something woman traveling with her husband for a solid year. Like me, she wanted to figure out what the big deal was. Unlike me, she made a video. In addition to figuring out how to clean her lady parts European-style, this world-traveling YouTuber realized that a bidet is perfectly designed for shaving legs or washing feet. The latter tasks are accomplished by sitting sideways on the toilet with feet in the adjacent bidet. It’s the perfect setup! And it saves water if you’re one who otherwise shaves in the shower. Before heading out to dinner, I gave the concept a test drive. My tired, dusty feet – I’d been walking all day in sandals – liked this new arrangement.
And then there was Dr. Chung, “The Friendly Proctologist.” Just the title is enough to make me love this guy. With aplomb, he spoke about poop, bowel movements, incontinence and hemorrhoids, shedding light on topics everyone else over seven is too embarrassed to talk about. From my new “friend” I also learned that bidets can be used before going to the bathroom to stimulate the bowels. TMI, I know.
This evening, after wandering the streets of Napoli’s central historic neighborhood where the first five restaurants we tried were overflowing as if it were Saturday rather than Tuesday, our party of four landed in Cantina Del Sol where we enjoyed a magnificent dinner for half the price it would have been at any of the places that didn’t have room for us. The magnum of a 2009 Campania wine wasn’t so bad either.
While the staff were in the kitchen wrestling with the fourteen-year-old cork, we had a chance to speculate collectively on the bidet. Evan, our 30-something son known for his out-of-left-field musings, asked “Which American presidents do you think have used a bidet?”
Our quick research revealed that the bidet originated in France in 1710, at a time that baths were generally a weekly undertaking. The bidet provided a compromise with its ability to cleanse and refresh certain critical areas while not subjecting the entire body to - probably cold - water of questionable purity.
Knowing that the bidet preceded the American Revolution, we were able to give a clear thumbs-up to Thomas Jefferson, who had been Minister to France before ascending to the presidency. We also gave honorary recognition to Ben Franklin who, though never a president, was surely driven by his curiosity and worldliness to try one while he was on the Continent.
Fast forwarding through top-of-mind presidents, the consensus among the four of us was:
· Teddy Roosevelt – yes
· FDR – would he have been able?
· Truman – Nope. Too midwestern.
· Kennedy – Absolutely yes. If he hadn’t been introduced as a child, Jackie would have sealed the deal.
· Johnson – Probably so, but he was a Texan, so there’s that.
· Nixon – No. No how, no way.
· Ford – No. Grew up among the Dutch Reformists of Grand Rapids (which included my step grandfather, Ford’s high school classmate and good friend, so I have a bit of inside perspective).
· Carter – Yes. He was always up for an adventure, curious to a fault.
· Reagan – No, but Nancy did.
· Bush 1 – No. He didn’t even know what a bar code was so how could he know about bidets?
· Clinton – Yes, yes, yes.
· Obama – Yes. Very worldly, so he would certainly have tried it, even if it was only because Michelle made him do it.
· Trump – Are you kidding?
· Biden – For sure! Think of the stories he could tell back at the Union Hall!
I hope this gives you something to think about the next time you encounter a bidet!
[1] In case you’re looking to find it: Cantina del Sol, Hosteria Napoletana, Via Giovanni Paladino, 3, 80138.
Image credit: sferrario1968